You reap what you sow.

Title says it all. Don’t expect me to do something in return of your heartlessness.
I treat people the way they treat me; so don’t expect me to be nicey-nicey to you if you aren’t.

I guess I’m thoroughly done with everyone. I’m sick and tired of everyone who is in my life now. Don’t try to be nice to me after what you’ve done to me, I don’t and will never buy that.

If you made a promise, follow it. If not, don’t made the promise, okay? And when I whine, don’t scold me, because I’m just letting you know how it feels to be let down.

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On a happy note, went back to my attachment centre for field work, teachers there are forever so welcoming and nice.

My fav.boy, Aden! recognised me

awwwwww. they remembered me as Teacher Jasmine~ and kept asking Ms Sharon about us~
love the kids so much~ Chloe kept waving goodbye to me, haiz. Gonna miss the kids soooo much. Really love the kids.

幸福是…

What is happiness? What does it mean to feel blessed?

苏打绿- 幸福额度

幸福是 找到同一个频率的人

Happiness is, when you found someone who is having the same frequency as you.

幸福是 可以做自己喜欢做的事

Happiness is, being able to do something that you like.

We really can’t have the best of both worlds. I found someone I love, but I am not able to do something I like; I am being pressurized and can’t be with him. I don’t think I can handle it anymore. I’m forever faking smiles lately; it’s not because I’m not happy with him. It’s because of all the pressure and stress. If I really surrender him to God, I don’t think I will follow my religion. If I don’t surrender him to God, I am deemed as a bad Christian. And if I really surrender him to God, giving up this relationship, I don’t think I can forgive myself for being so harsh on him, I will not be able to forgive myself and I will shut everyone out.

I’m tired of hiding, why can’t everything be so simple. I thought life was supposed to be simple? Isn’t it. I’m tired of juggling with everything else; school, people, stress, benchmark from people. Why is my life so difficult? Or to be exact, why is my relationship life always in such a state, my first one cheated on me, and now, I can’t be with him because of my religion. I have to give politically right answers, when can I stop that. I seriously hate myself for that. I like being with him, it’s the only time where I can really be myself, I don’t have to fake a smile, I can cry like a little girl, whine like a girl and at the end of the day, I know I am fully protected by him.

Shine like a star, even if I’m not there.
Not having very positive feelings lately, I’ve nearly been hit by a car twice this week. An inch more and I will be knocked down by the car. I don’t know what got over me, but if really, death solves all problems, then why not? I mean, I’m very tired of everything, of what was mentioned above. I know you will always be there for me, I know you are always there to wipe my tears, but there are things I am afraid to tell you, there are things that I can’t pluck up my courage to tell you. I can only write it here. You said you felt a bad omen/feeling too, you said you had images of having someone that is very closed to you being knocked down by a bus, and in that instant, you held my hands very tight; tight until I could feel the pain in my pinky finger. If that really happens, at least, we were together and had great memories before.

If I really die, another group of people I can’t let go is my family. They have been through so much shit with me. Having them with me is the most blessed thing for me. It was the best thing for me, at least for a wretched girl like me. Without my family, I am nothing. Without my family, I am just a wretched and a useless girl that nobody wants. I love my family above everything else.

Yesterday, I wanted to tell you “I am willing.” But I ate the words up, I don’t know when will I be so pressurized by people and I’d have to give you up, and I have to break your promise. I couldn’t bear to see you cry, I couldn’t even bear to see tears swimming in your eyes. I don’t want you to cry because of me. I felt really happy when I’m with you; I have never felt like this before. Thank you for bringing a smile to me

I’ve finally told you what bothered me most, and I’m glad we talked it out, then you gave me this. Although it was really funny seeing how you managed to use paper to make this, it still melts my heart. Nothing else matters more than hearing what you promised and said, nothing else matters more than having my family and you and my closest friends with me.

Side note, school started.

Don’t know if it’s a good thing or not but time really passes really slow. This is only the 2nd week,which is seriously not comforting at all. Can school end soon, I need a job and start working soon ! ohwell, school…

Hope 3.1 & 3.2 will be over like real soon.

I can’t do it.

God, I want to put faith in you. I want to trust you; I can’t bear to say it to him.

To my sweetest boy:

Thank you so much, I’ve so much to tell you, but I don’t know how to. It has really been a wonderful journey with you. You will be the best that I ever had. I will not give up or let you go so easily. I wanted to talk to you so badly today after school, and you surprised me with a call. I tried so hard not to cry while talking on the phone with you, I tried so hard not to let you see my tears yesterday.

The way you piggy-backed me, the way you looked so focus when you are doing your things, the way you care for me even though it’s just a slight scratch, the way you’d rather walk barefooted with me and give me your slippers whereas you walk barefooted because of my blisters, the way you laughed at me for doing stupid things, your laughter changes- the one where you laughed wholeheartedly.

I just want to be with you; laughing at stupid things together, angry with each other together, talking crap together, watching movies together, suan-ing each other together, quarrel then patch up together.

I like listening to songs together with you, I like doing ridiculous things, walking from Seng Kang to Punggol with you, walking 6 KM with you, laughing at my lame-ness, msning with you while talking on the phone with you.

I will never give up on you, I will have faith in God!

Love you,

I missed those days when I don’t have any commitment.

I really wish to go back to those days when I’m so carefree,

I don’t have to be answerable to anyone for my personal life,

I don’t have to accountable for anyone whether my the other half is of my religion or not,

I don’t have to be stressed up with so many things that I could really make do without it.

上吊也要喘口气

Even when you are committing suicide by hanging yourself, you also need to catch your breadth. I guess I needed a break.

That’s why I want to go back to Laos so badly, PDR- People Don’t Rush.

I’m tired of my life sometimes, I’m tired of meeting everyone’s benchmark for me.

can I have a break?

School is torturing enough for me, dad sees me struggling between church and school, mum heartaches for me.

I’m lucky to have a family- who will always be by my side, no matter what happens, thick and thin, they are the ones I go to when I fall; when I cry. and I have my group of friends – who have been through shit and happiness with me; who are always there for me, and they are really those who are just a call away.  and I have the sweetest boy- who is always there to go through my shit-est moments and my PMS temperament with me. They will always be the closest people in my life. I don’t know how to survive without them, how I wish I could let the whole world know how important are these people in my life, I can just go meet them whenever I feel like it, like I said, I don’t like to be tied down; I need freedom- which is what I’m really lacking most now.

I believe in God, not that I don’t, I believe He is there for me, but sometimes, I wish, I have freedom in doing the things I like and not the things I need. Like and need is different.

Year 3; what to expect: None.

Pic credits: Buddy!
Taken at Children Little Museum!
Finally gotten the photos from him, it’s so hard to get the photos from him._.

School is starting soon, I really don’t know what to expect…
But one thing for sure, another round of YR 1 and YR 2.
But I just hope to maintain my current GPA of 3.8, so that my cumulative would be at least 3.75 when I graduate !
It’s so hard to maintain the GPA, countless of sleepless nights, getting all stressed, tolerating so much things that I thought I couldn’t.
1 more year to go and I’m never stepping back into NP, NP has horrified me and scarred me for the rest of my life. Terrible experience in NP.

But I will love the people I’ve made from Laos and my 2 lovables xD

Back from Laos- happy. Back to school- hate.

YAY! I am safely back from Laos. I missed the friends there I’ve made so..soo.. much, but on the last 2 days of trip, the Malaria medicine started to have it’s side effects: I was having mild depression. WTH!? LAST 2 DAYS THEN COME AND HAVE MILD DEPRESSION.

Anyway, the pictures will be uploaded soon, quite lazy now xD.

HAHAHAHA. A print screen of the places I want to go and I pinned it on my desktop! XD
I’m still waiting for Fangyu *babe, hint hint alr* to bring me to Old Changi Airport Road to eat ! Me want to gossip with her, I mean.. talk. It’s time for a girls HTHT with her already, if not when school starts, so hard to date her
Basketball match with Huishi tmr and then meeting my pretty ladies for dinner! YAY. I LOVE SUCH GATHERINGS…although I met Huishi and Fangyu more than Kiayian and Meijun, but still.. MISS THEM ALL LAH XP

Before going to Laos.

after coming back from Laos flowers from Izra’s Mum!
SKIN COLOUR DIFFERENT !
My mum is really like a boss, the first thing she said was “Whoa, so black ah, can’t recognise you.” ._. My mummy really truthful.

This group of lovely friends I’ve made there, also a bit crazy lah, but I still love them so much <3 and miss you all. The 15 days in Laos was definitely made memorable because of you guys. And also the children <3 KOP CHAI LAI LAI~

Sylvia, this crazy girl with so many expressions !

Izra, this crazy girl where we had so many flirtation moments, just like in special needs camp !

Chen Xian, the blur girl who always like to laugh so much!

Darlene, the girl who likes to grab and jump onto me from behind!

Liming, someone who I drank Namkong and Whiskey with! HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

Wanxin, my twin sister! We look alike leh~

Brandon, the guy who always has trouble with girls, but a very nice person to talk to.

Left: Yew Liang, AH! hahahahaha. inside joke !
Right: Edric, just a very nice person whom you can talk to for hours and never get bored.

I love Laos
Rest of photos… FACEBOOK! HAHAHAHAHAHA. and some photos can’t be uploaded

Laos.

Going to Laos soon, like real soon, tmr night and I’ll be on plane ~I hope everything will be fine there, cos there are mines there, in case I really don’t make it back, I just want to say, I’ve never regretted everything, all the decisions that I’ve made, to my loved ones. I love every single one of them, cos I’ve a bad feeling about this trip, I don’t want to hide the fact, but it’s true, Buddy always tell me to slap my mouth for thinking about me dying and such, but I don’t want to hide anything; the fact that I might not come back, cos there are so many mines there.

Been feeling so not myself lately, been thinking so much, about what will happen if I really die there. I just wanna pray for safety for myself, for my group and everyone who is traveling with us. AND if I really don’t make it back, like I said, I love every single one of the people in my life, my friends; poly and sec school, my cell; brothers and sisters, my family; mum, dad, sis, popo.

Just wanna thank cell for praying for me, I’ve heard all the prayers, every single prayers, and I believe God will help me do wonders there and I’ll bring good news back !